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[20 Aug 2005|04:04am] |
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3 inches of blood--deadly sinners |
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i think...iv finally found my solution to my...saddness.
the valient struggle of ones self to find a sense of meaning through the course of ruling and control as always ended up in retilation which leads to violence that seems to "impact" the fellow bystander...sad how most of us sit back and watch such chaos and carnage with the deepest intent of murder. remeber the word in which is used over and over again to distinguish a group of people as terrorist..such a label to define a person and or group...a word that desentizizes our emotional connection towards these "others"..also remember that one mans terrorist is one mans patriot..i think the root to this cause comes from the new enent of gaza...the removing of a group to satisfy one at the others cost..what good will such things accomplish?...more war...more deaths...more...hate..in a world where we seek power and control over others to the point in which another human looks to be a bowling pin or pop can you shot as a child..and trainee..the grim faces..the saddend look of those familes who see their youngest with a hole in their head in which a connon game of golf can be played upon the child. i see no end to such hatred...the past brings the best out of all...we bring better stragity...and better tactics to destroy and kill...but as for the end result...such things are not in the details until the time comes...and when it does...its to late...i dunno..im ranting...i feel bad for the people who used to populate gaza..a place where they loved...now to have some america fuck face waltz his ass in with is m16 and forcing them to move...a smell of hitler does smell right. whats next? move them to some desert where they are left to die? (armania) or put into little tight confined rooms where everyday throught snow and shine where one will work all day and night for a slice of rotten bread with green potatoes?..hmm...better yet...lets just make them dissapear off the face of the planet...mm...such decisions...what to do..what to do..the chaos continues..as plato once predicted..a philospher should become ruler of such a empire..cause their main objective is the people...that is their main objective as a philospher..anarchy is pure imagination...no control..those ideas will not likely be shared..therefor a group will band and TAKE control..in which their rein will begin upon the people...through chaos do the smartest of individuals take such chaos and turn it into their benifit (hitler)...sexy stuff...im done..the moon is full..and the grass is dry...im going to go enjoy the show while time has mercy on me...cheers everyone.
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(4 begs to be noticed-plaque my brain)
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[08 Aug 2005|10:47pm] |
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3 days grace--burn |
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i seem to be missing something in my life..i cannot deciper what...or whome...seems like an endless circle of filth surrounds me from time to time...in which i feel it is my duty to clean...reciently...the filth has not been there...so my...technique and..routine...seems to be disturbed...such a massive difference with the times..i seem to be left cold now a days...yes...the weather is lame...but hey...haha it rained today..so its a bit chilly according to my..erm...body as i will call it...as i continue..this struggle...and lack there of seems to result from....nothing..which has taken over my being...nothing..feels...different...i grow tired....but..oddly enough...i seem..to miss people now...kinda creepy...i hardly miss anyone...isolation is like...my middle name...yeah..thats right...khang isolation nguyen...sounds peachy no?...iv also known more...involvement with my imagination..which..i should avoid...but....books seem to jump out at me more..in which i drag myself into...i believe its for the fact in which im trying to avoid my current situation...im sorry if this leaves a bad impression on you sara..i wrote this for a reason...and i let you read it for a reason...and its not because of you in any way...mmhm...dont ignore that cause i don't wanna explain myself...i seem to have left it nice and legiable there....as i continue...eat my EMOtional self reliance upon such a routined life in a way...yes most things i do are thought up and delt with at a moments notice...quite....contradictory i am towards myself...such fun...such...fun..my head hurts..i miss something in my life....and i don't know what the fuck it is....my god...i wish i knew..it's such a tedious battle...makes me wanna vomit like a balumic...mmm...time for me to walk away from the comp...i grow tired of such a device...enjoy the read...and dana...i hope you got my package..if not..reply here and ill try to duplicate it and send it again...fucking mail....fyi...i might be a mailman...HAHA! oh shit...laugh it up guys....i would mu haha...tilll next time folks...
cheers.
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(plaque my brain)
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| amazing? |
[06 Jul 2005|11:12pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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no doubt--don't speak. |
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my dear darling. we all have upon us the capacity to withstand such difficulties that life present upon us throughout the struggle we endure with life... we cannot avoid such chores if i may call them that... the only thing we can truly do with such things is learn from them...we might see nothing to learn from..but everything to me...happens with a purpose...we might not se it..due to the fact in which the answer we seek is the one we don't want...so in return we discard such "lessons" as garbage... what i don't understand is why some people use such memories of their past to try...and scare me..i know they mean well...but stories such as prostuting at the age of 17 and such doesn't bother me. it's a life choice..why should it scare me...knowing that the simple fact that it's pretty much everywhere... its nothing new. iv seen girls as young as 10 working the streets.. shit happens. as i continue.. im only as amazing as you make me be. all i truly want to be is yours. yeah..its true...i don't see my achievements..i see my flaws...like some people. it takes people with different perspective other then my own to see what i ignore. i'v never seen myself as anthing close to amazing..just...a person...sorry darling...it caught my atention with the amazing thing...so i decided to rant...it's prolly not true...but hey. whats true is i loooove you har har har. you just pretty much read through bulshit to find out the only thing that is like...uhhh...most true is my love for you ;)
cheers.
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(2 begs to be noticed-plaque my brain)
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| hmm |
[05 Jul 2005|10:27pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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music |
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korn--somebody someone. |
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anyways...since it's been quite some time since i updated. not much to report on...only that my mind keeps flipping itsself upside down..and inside out. good old..being...legally insane...yay..
im sorry i never told you this darling...but yeah..haha i can't sorta touch parts of my skull...since iv bashed it in pretty hard...i dunno...ill try taking my meds here and there....the shit works...but im like a fucking drone when im on that shit..har har. i dunno what else to say.. my mind has been so concentrated upon certin things..its becoming quite difficult to process words...it actually feels great to be lost...cause hehe suprises are sooo much more fun that way hahah..anyways. im off...to do..what it is i do...cheers.
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(1 begs to be noticed-plaque my brain)
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| mmmm |
[21 Jun 2005|06:45pm] |
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yeah....i dunno...haha im happy...for once in a long time it's a feeling in which iv known for many years...but those many years..the happiness has been a illusion...brewed by my distorted mind in which created my imaginative world that supresses the outter society...such a shame the days in which those pass by..my insecurities with life and society has left me dwelling in a hole...it grows deeper and darker...i like the dark...im used to it...so..sexy haha....anyways...as weeks and days pass by iv come to realize the face of love and security..feels good to have someone in this hole with me....the mind of which matches my own..good old legally insane...sweet shit..haha...anyways...i dunno what else to write...ill talk to you later my love...till then....cheers everyone!
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(3 begs to be noticed-plaque my brain)
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| mmk. |
[15 Jun 2005|10:37pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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thrice--blood clots and black holes. |
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for my wife.
words spoken of concern since i never update this in which your able to read it... well...you can read this.
life in general is amazing. haha...so what if i got caught once again for shop lifting. meh..the time in which i spend with you is so awesome...makes me forget about many of lifes dramatic difficulties. this seems different then my usual rant of teen angst. haha...feels good to bring myself out such a Delusional hole created by my self hatred in which i breath it upon my surrounding world...your amazing..the best...theres isnt need to worry about me to much...haha darling...we are perfect for each other...so many common idealogies. ill start opening my mind up to you...if you do the same...its ok...ill go first cause yeah...i love you more and thats for sure..haha...anyways...as i move on...the days in which i miss your breath...insane the days i catch whats left..nothing forward with rhyme...everything for me...but your..mind.
love ya hun.
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(2 begs to be noticed-plaque my brain)
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[03 May 2005|01:13am] |
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mood |
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 bleh |
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music |
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chimaira--dead inside |
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well...its monday...didnt expect to last this long haha...wanted to kill myself sunday...so close...just .mm's away from certin death...but i couldn't go that extra mile..i feel more shitty now...i should've done it...but i thought there would be at least something in the world for me...oh..found out today aundy totally fucked my camera...after a day and a half with it....FUCK!...anyways...as i continue. Everything seems to be a chore..as do i feel like one...i feel this slight pity coming from everyone that knows about my attempt...i fucked up...cause i believed in their dramatic releases that i was worth something....i feel more worthless now...i havent much to say now..my brain is totally fixated on ending my life...but my "heart" has this strange obsession with living...and it gives me doubts about death...such a conflict of my two greater powers...so much crap.
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(10 begs to be noticed-plaque my brain)
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| hate |
[16 Apr 2005|06:51am] |
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mood |
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 ... |
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music |
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poison the well--fruitless |
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how shall i start this...its a endless process of crap...forgive me since i'v tried extemely hard to be a good person....i stopped drugs..stopped the "gang" life..and iv been honest to everyone....im still in shock about everything...i wanna die....this isn't some emotional drive thats gonna pass...i wanna do it....i cant fucking stand this shit anymore...it seems like the world would be extememly better off without me..all i do is cause problems...or im in the way or something.....or im just a tag along tool...for once in my life...id like to experience being first...that might be self-ish of me....but i just wanna feel it once....but i highly doubt it will happen...its interesting that i could be fooled into believeing i had friends i could count and trust in...to lower my sheild...so they can come in and rip me apart like a pack of lions on a deer...everything seems to good for me...not gonna complain since i understand those terms...please dont bother telling me im useful...or whatnot..everyone makes mistakes...mine started 17 years ago..they say you can only learn from your mistakes..shouldn't keep making them...please forgive me everyone that gets to read this....in my mind...i love all of you with great passion...but...i learned iv changed so much of myself...just to see the ones who i love walk away...even if i didnt change..they'd walk away...drugs and gangs were good for my being....i just wish they would stay around to see me now...and now...i thought with everything...that this new group of people there...i can truly trust....but i see deception..i cant stand it...i put SO MUCH FUCKING TRUST into them.....i cant hold back this shit....what i do now is for your benifit...im sorry...guys...im deciding between complete death....or just go back to my old ways of mental death...i know im something to some people...something to mould....something to toss aside when not needed....something to slap around when your bored....something to tag along when you dont want to be alone...something to talk to when your down...i wish everyone good luck....if i dont remember you...don't bother reminding me.....and remember..in the end....everything we do....is just everything we done
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(6 begs to be noticed-plaque my brain)
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| weird.. |
[21 Feb 2005|04:25am] |
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mood |
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 different |
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blindside--across waters again |
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so many weird things happen..deaths dont bother me much now a days...it happens...i feel sorry for cari...its a shame how the media bleeds that stuff out for a few bucks...its more of a shame that her rents wanted all the media to do it...apparently they wanted people to see what the world really is...if i recall..i dont suppose anyone really stays inside 24/7 watching tv...>.> yet thats their hit of reality..the world is what we make of it..people make mistakes..im not trying to justify his actions...yet holding grudges and boiling hatred wont do much good for the wider society...it just bring about more pain and crap...yet time shows that we never learn...peace will never happen...im glad there are some who think it will...but really...100% peace..will prolly not last long...cause you'll always have that one person whos gonna try and stir the pot a little...anyways....on a lighter note..
011010010010000001110100011010000110100101101110011010110010000001101001011011010010000001100110011000010110110001101100011010010110111001100111001000000110011001101111011100100010000001100001011101010110111001100100011110010010000001100010011101010111010000100000011001000110111101110101011000100111010000100000011100110111010001101001011011000110110000100000011000100110110001100101011001010110010001110011001000000111010001101000011100100110111101110101011001110110100000100000011011010111100100100000011010000110010101100001011001000010000001100011011000010111010101110011011001010010000001101001001000000111001101110100011010010110110001101100001000000110110001101111011101100110010100100000011010000110010101110010
later
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(plaque my brain)
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[17 Jan 2005|05:28pm] |
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mood |
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fucking pissed |
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music |
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corey taylor |
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fustration....im fucking pissed...so that means stay the fuck away if you dont wanna get a face full of fucking anger
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(plaque my brain)
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[12 Jan 2005|10:00pm] |
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not alive |
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chimaira--down again |
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people sit around...thinking of what their purpose in life is...kids want to be older...but when they get older..they wish to be younger...some fulfill these desires through their children...some hate them...some love them..some love to mould them..into something they didnt accomplish as a child themselves..after all is said and done...contemplation of "how did i spend my life" come into play...some look back...and never come back...some avoid it...some feed off it..something hit me the other day...like a slap during freezing temperatures...it stung...but it woke me up to my reality..id like to share it..but i doubt anyone feels like reading upon sad..spitful crap..coming out of a destroyed metal head..with nothing on his head but a select certin ammount of people...dont worry...it doesnt even cover half my fingers on a hand..plaqued with a regretable hatred..i must now...fight for a way to relieve myself of such...thoughts..this is my update...enjoy it..hate it...it doesnt matter to me now
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(2 begs to be noticed-plaque my brain)
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[09 Jan 2005|09:47pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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im back...deader then ever..im siting here...with about $500 worth of fun illegal drugs...question is...do i wanna od...or do i wanna leave this pile of my past behind me...teadious...challenging..i cant decide...you know...its great...since some people decide who you are...and think they know you..but all they know is my mask...and partilly inside me....as i let them have a peek at the inner works of my self mutilaliting body...it feels like...im nothing important to you anymore..its become a teadious task to speak a conversation..like we used to...i know iv changed...but you have so to...you've never...been..so...i dunno...it just seems like..ever since you stopped meth and drinking...iv been getting the broad end of the broom...iv dreamed a few night ago...yes..i slept...i dreamed..i was dying...alone...in a bed..it was cold...quiet...i saw people i knew...they looked from afar...pity on their faces..noone came near...noone said a thing...i laid there...dying..feeling...as if i were..part of a zoo exibit...being..stared at...
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(plaque my brain)
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[02 Jan 2005|11:12pm] |
so..its doubtful ill write in the journal again..so i dont know, id like to wish every a good year..i believe mine is going to end short...its been a tedious struggle through the years...these past two years have made...and broke me..i cant handle this it no more...i cant talk deeply about whats going on in our relationship without getting pushed away...i listen and make an input when you talk about it...all i ever get now is eh..wtf is eh supposto mean..fuck it...i cant stand all of this. i hope you get the present i sent you..and i hope you enjoy it. saddens me to think i might not be around for it all..enjoy the red hair..goodbye.
<3 taz
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(2 begs to be noticed-plaque my brain)
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[26 Dec 2004|05:54pm] |
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oh yes..im hacking again...those of you who have ticked me off will get the reward of having their shit destroyed
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(plaque my brain)
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| ok |
[26 Dec 2004|05:50pm] |
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mood |
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pissed the fuck off |
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im here today to tell you all that you can all just go fuck yourselves, im finally sick and fucking tired of doing shit for others and getting crap in return..so fuck you all i dont give a flying fuck anymore
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(plaque my brain)
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| stuff |
[19 Dec 2004|07:52pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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alien ant farm -- smooth criminal |
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forgot to mention i got a new guitar a few days back..guess i forgot cause things been stressing me out like crazy...i dunno...i dotn even know why i write in this thing..since its clearly shown noone reads it..yeah...good day
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(1 begs to be noticed-plaque my brain)
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| annoyance |
[17 Dec 2004|12:28am] |
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mood |
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 pissed |
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music |
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kittie - brackish |
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become more and more....annoyed with things...stupid little things i guess...feels like im talking to myself most of the time...im sick of being treated like a moron...i hate this feeling of...neglect...im getting it from everyone...if you dont wanna talk to me..just tell me to fuck off..so i dont ahve to wait for a fucking response from you im done..good day
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(plaque my brain)
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| fuck |
[14 Dec 2004|10:45pm] |
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mood |
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stressed |
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john digweed - heaven scent |
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so fucking stressed as of late...and people in general aint helping my situation...ill end up getting bitched at by them cause i said something that i felt about anything..and they take it as a offence..well go for it..but fuck..i dunno..my mind is a total mess...im trying to talk to some people about it..but i get burned off every fucking time...and im at the point where ill just say fuck it...=/ if you people cant take a hint...my last cry for a fucking ear...good day
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(plaque my brain)
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| mmmm another replyless update..woo |
[13 Dec 2004|11:36pm] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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mourningstar - switchblade romance |
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so..got a high mark in a essay i wrote...i feel to smart...gotta paralyze and or kill brain with overuse of drugs..;)
anyways yeah..life is...erm...same as always..hate all that good stuff
if anyone else feels like ignoring me...feel free to grab a number, get in line, and wait till i call your number so you can kick my ass...im done with you people..good day
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(plaque my brain)
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| wtf |
[05 Dec 2004|02:32am] |
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mood |
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pissed off |
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music |
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slipknot- I AM HATED! |
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so....today i got bitched at for saying "...sigh" and then "nothing" woo lets see what else i can fucking mess up in life, anyways...messy life atm, psychologist told me to stop today so she can wash her face (cry) so i left and told her to get a fucking grip, then i learn shits happening to people that i care about, which i dunno wtf is going on...w/e its personal i guess...i dunno..think my marks are falling, oh well...lyrics are the same...life is a shame, im starting to ponder on my whole life more and more..as days go by..and more people hate me...dont worry i fucking hate you to...that is all..good day
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(plaque my brain)
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magg0t666sic's journal